So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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