I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
