I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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