Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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