I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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