The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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