My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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