I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
