Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
