i just wanna soil my oats bro
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
