you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
