i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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