They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
