masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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