Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
