she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
