No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
