WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Go christen that room with your naked body.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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