Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
