Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
