who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
