Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
