Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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