how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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