Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
