someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i came on her dog
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
