I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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