why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
