My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
