On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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