I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
