I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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