We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
