Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
