I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
