Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
