Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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