Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
