Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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