I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
