please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
