Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
