Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Randomize
