Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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