i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
