Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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