My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
