when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
