you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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