A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
