Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Randomize
