So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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